Mom, I don't want chocolate this time.

Taking each step towards 'my room' fully drenched in pain and drained to vain. 
I see the grey bedsheets and secrets filled pillows
Left with no hope in my willows
Screaming inside, pushing all words aside,
I'm hitting the wall so hard that I break my bone
I was hoping all my thoughts would fade and be gone.
You hear me hitting the wall but not your son hitting his lowest point. 
He is trembling, couldn't pick himself from his lowest point. 
He needs help, he seeks you but,
every single time when I want to tell you about me, it tires me. 
I have a lot of things to tell you
the mere thought of it consumes me like a sundew.
Now I shall write it here because it's gonna be with. me.
I know all the trauma we went through especially the ones you went through. 
I do realise and understand the reason behind your constant wants to make me secure. 
But, can't you see that your son is feeling safe but not understood?
I don't want to be safe I want to be understood.
I'm no longer a helpless child.
I want you to have a trust that your son can face the wild.
I can't put it in my words now. 
My heavy heart is breathing sharp
Your son doesn't want to live, do you know that?
I am drained. I can't take it, do you know that?
I don't expect you to be my friend or be supportive,
I want you to be as you are
that won't make any changes in the love which we have. 
Yes, I understand what you said but isn't it just a movie for which I went? 
I don't have any good memories of it now.
Yes I hung out a lot but the fights which we had and the arguments where I tried to explain to me are the ones I get. 
Not the happiness of those times.
All I get is about the arguments which we had.
I didn't fake myself when I was with you.
Huh, I want to be the most myself when I'm with you
Only that's because I told you who I am.
I want to burst but I know it would make it worse.
You buy me chocolate each time after our fight
which makes my heart light, but I can't anymore.
I don't want chocolate this time.
Why don't you understand me? 
Why do I keep wanting to tell you everything I know you don't get it right.
In all the fights, all the screams are dulling my gleam.
It's not just paati thatha who are old, I feel old and weak.
Your son wants to run away and get lost, do you know that?
But you keep saying that you know me more than I know myself. (Laughs)
Your son is emotionally unavailable, do you know that?
He is not loved, he couldn't love, do you know that?
Your son is scared of love, do you know that?
Mom, I brought myself up from all my heartbreaks without your help. 
Surely I can treat myself better.
Don't be who you want to be, just be who you really are.
coz that would help me know your trues
so that I could see my blues.
All my words now are in vain anyhow but I decided that
I don't want chocolate this time.

Popular posts from this blog

Take as many as you want. Make a beautiful home.

Image
I was twenty one, he was twenty three With a voyaging heart set free I met him on a blazing afternoon amidst the intern Nothing blazed me in turn We met, we met, we spoke , we spoke. I fell for him. Again. What could I do if I fall in love too often and soon? perhaps I am a lover. He was like all that I longed for, like the one that I wish who loves me so much. I couldn't deny myself saying that I love him. He wasn't at all. He was different.  The rushing love pushed in me. I could feel his love then.  perhaps it made me feel secure and made me care less about my issues. I always had one question in my head. "Why can't you raise your voice to say I love you?" We both knew we were so in love with each other.  I wanted to be the bricks where he would build his home.  I wanted to be his home.  My grey turning black breath didn't fade it haunted me back. My eyelids are always heavy now so does my heart. I ran out of energy, ran out of love. All I expec
Read more

The next time our warmth collides.

Image
As the Sun slowly touches thy feet. Warming me up every inch of the skin, after the night we collided. And it all stands still,my hairs  Trading yesterday as fare, I run to you, in ecstatic shock. Your golden hands that touched me, made me transcend. Your musk, your sweat which dripped from your eyebrows to mine Could it be wine? That intense pleasure we had, I felt weak. Warmly weak. The next time our warmth collides, I will tell you, I love being weak with you, Lover.
Read more

I hate emojis.

Image
It didn't matter to you. It did not matter enough for you to utter words.  I hated emojis from then. I fear, I sweat, I bite my nails, skin and make my feelings into a paragraph and send it to you but  It didn't matter to you. You send two emojis.  I hated emojis from then.  I didn't ask for you to give back what I gave you, I hoped at least you would see my feelings. It didn't matter to you. It took a lot to move on from you. Nothing helped me. Deactivating instagram, shutting myself down, nothing helped but you. What helped me was the assurance that you see me as one of some random dudes. But babe, I am not strong enough to say your lover is asking for my nudes.  A chaotic canvas I see and I painted all white to plain.  I recall now that perhaps I did not have any feelings for you, All I wanted was you having feelings for me. Somehow my heart is getting heavier when I keep writing the next word. Thank you for keeping my feelings unheard. Thanks for helping
Read more